The Time Has Come (My Mother Said)

While I doubt my mom will execute some tough love and kick me to the curb, she is really annoyed by the fact that I haven’t written my movie and sold my script and wants me to find a way to bring some money into the house.  There was no “or else”, but it was implied that she’s getting to that point. This really, really, really annoys me. She seems to be under the impression that writing a screenplay is easy and that selling it is a breeze, which is sort of my fault because I was very confident in my abilities to get this thing written fast, but… You know… Writer’s block… I thought I had everything sorted out, but I hit some wrinkles and ironing them out is proving to be more difficult than I thought.

The haze is starting to clear, though, and ideas and solutions are beginning to appear, but now I’m worried about being so confident in myself, which is not ideal. Even if I know I’m going to hit snags, it helps to keep reminding myself that this will go quickly, helps even more to say it out loud and get some support from people. Mom offers me none. She never has unless it involves working at a normal job for a paycheck. Yes, it’s okay for me to follow my dreams, but we need money. I don’t think she will be supportive of my ambition to be a screenwriter until I show her a check from a sale of a screenplay.

It really, really, really angers me and I don’t want to be angry and frustrated with my mom. My dad would be of a similar mind, but he would know and understand that writing is a process, and it doesn’t always go smoothly. It’s good my little brother has stepped into that role. He is the BEES KNEES when it comes to helping me feel confident in myself. And while I realize that I’m lucky to have a mom who has put up with my unemployed ass for so long, I think she needs to realize that she has a pretty kick ass daughter who only wants to help this family build a better life for themselves.

I don’t want us to simply survive anymore. I want us to have a fulfilling life and we can’t do that if we’re all working at dead-end jobs that don’t really pay us enough and make us miserable. I can’t move out of her house and have my own life until she is somewhat satisfied with hers otherwise all I’ll do is worry about her. I know I can’t buy her happiness for her, but if I can write and sell movies, I can build a greenhouse for her and that will lead to her happiness, and hopefully a somewhat profitable home-based business.

Someday soon I need to post some pictures of her gardening efforts. Everyone is highly impressed by our backyard. It’s Alice in Wonderland back there.

Back to the Future

Back on the job market, I’m actively seeking employment again, but I have to be picky with my options. Like I explained to my mom, there are certain jobs that will drain me and I won’t be able to come home from a long day at work and write. I’ve tried. I tend to take my work home with me. Literally. If my job involves creative things, I will work on job stuff at home, off the clock, because I will not produce crap for people. If you hire me, you get my dedication to quality and if that means I have to work on projects at home to have more time to complete them, I’ll do it.

What I need is a simple job that I can’t take home with me. Yesterday I realized this when I found a position at a local golf course as a clubhouse attendant/bartender. At first I didn’t think a golf course would hire me because I don’t know a lot about golf, but then I thought, “I’ve played Hot Shots and Mario golf, Drew loves golfing, I know the difference between a putter and a driver, why not give it a shot? I won’t take this work home with me and I’ll get to mingle with all the rich folks, do some networking…” It sounds like a perfect fit.

Then my friend told me that our local library is looking to fill TWO positions. Perfect also, even more so because it’s a five minute walk from my house and mom can work there too. If we can land those jobs, we will all be employed again and the library would be fun too! I could probably even do both jobs for awhile, but just for awhile to rake in more money while I’m not paying rent so I can buy myself a car. We’ll see, but I know we stand a good chance at getting hired at the library, we know practically everyone we need to know to get in there, especially since my high school friend works there part-time.

And I could probably work on my screenplay at the library during my downtime.  : ) I’m sure that people running a library wouldn’t mind one of their employees working on their personal writing projects if everything that needs to be done is done.

So, yeah… That’s whats up. And now I really need to find some food to eat because I finally think my stomach can handle it. Melissa has way too much fun on the weekends. ; ) Lucid was not something I should have taken a shot of last night, the Busch Lights were enough!

But I will be posting, at some point in the future, my thoughts on job-seeking in the digital age… It will be a very heated entry because, seriously, it’s getting ridiculous. Stay tuned.

This time of year brings about all kinds of sadness for me and though 9/11/01 plays a huge role in that sadness… A huge role… But…

I miss you, Rich. It’s not fair that you’re not here. I’d be a little more sane if you were, I think. Say hello to my dad and grandpa for me. If you see Kyle, tell him he’s a DOUCHEBAG for what he did to himself, but that we all miss him and that he’ll always be with us in the BUFF. And in case I never told you before… I love you.

Twilight… Not Bad…
I wouldn’t call it the most epic romance film since Titanic… If I were basing my opinion on special effects alone, otherwise, it promises to be a pretty epic franchise if they stick to their formula. For me, the switching of really awesome special effects to really awkward special effects really threw the whole movie off balance. We have a high def TV too, and watched it on DVD, and… Vampires have shiny pixely skin in the sunlight? Pixely??? Dude… His skin looked like pixels in an old video game, not beautiful sparkly diamonds.

Anyway… I liked the movie. It was fun to watch, sometimes, and the story is good and I’m looking forward to the next installment. I’m sure the books are better, but the movie is worth watching and owning… If only for the Vampire Baseball scene. That was a really fun scene.

District 9… Aliens!!!
Yeah, I’m a sci-fi girl. Always have been, always will be. District 9 is a must-see for sci-fi junkies like me. At first I was like, “wtf am I watching?”, but after what seemed like a long set-up, when the fun and games began, I was totally into it. Some things I expected, some things I did not, and I found it to be a very, very entertaining and very, very emotionally-involved film. Seriously, go see this movie.

Coraline… Beautiful Film
Why I didn’t watch this movie months ago is beyond me. As I said before, I love art and animation, special effects, and all things visual in movies and games, and Coraline was not only a visually stunning film, but it’s “Alice in Wonderlandesqueness”, complete with a creepy cat, totally won me over. As soon as it was over I wanted to watch it again. And that’s really the best endorsement I can give it.

Back to Reality

So… I should really get back to writing again. I’m just stuck with this one thing that I can’t figure out. And my personal life is such a mess right now… Anyway… : ) Watch District 9.

Head In The Stars, feet on the ground

I knew when I met this guy that he was one of my “vibrating dot people”. That was before my concept of “vibrating dot people” could be articulated as accurately as it appears in my Open Letter To David Cross. You see, I always know who these people are, but I never know what their purpose is until I see the events unfold before me and feel things click into place. It’s always amazing when it does, it’s like a window into a darkened portion of my brain has been opened, and sunlight spills into the shady spaces, sheding light on things that I couldn’t see before. Even then, though, there is still baggage inside to sort through and unlock, and clues to keys that may not or may not exist to open those locks, and to open those locks I need to visit other spaces and open other windows to reveal other collections of baggage to be sorted, and unlocked, but I have to look for those keys too…

So many circles, so many dots, so many lines to be drawn… Figuring out life, the universe and everything reminds me of Bill and Ted figuring out how to get Eddie Van Halen to play guitar for Wyld Stallyns…

“BILL: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
TED: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
BILL: Ted, it’s pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
TED: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don’t really even know how to play?
BILL: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen!
TED: And THAT is why we need a triumphant video.”

Yeah, It’s Like That

Around and around I go… And all of the baggage that is spotlighted is my own.

A Semi-Lost Weekend

I had way too much fun in the BUFF this weekend, but even more way too much fun outside of my local bar. Small town life usually leads to feelings of madness that simply must be released over the weekend to make life during the week possible. Or maybe it’s like that everywhere… Unlike most weekends, though, I didn’t end up in any of the places I usually do around town or even just outside of town. Friday night I ended up at my younger brother’s friend’s apartment with my friend who runs the bar and my younger brother and several of his friends – all very cool people or I wouldn’t be hanging out with them.

I went outside to smoke a cigarette and enjoy the stars for a while, and to keep it away from the pregnant girl in the room (even though I apparently didn’t need to worry about that…). This apartment is next to an open field and in my drunken state I decided to walk barefoot into the ankle-high grass. My feet hit the cool dampness of the dew collected on the blades of grass and I walked a few steps away from the building and just stared up at the sky with this thought in my head:

All of those lights, while they no longer exist, did at some point in time and each one of them was a sun with planets and if even just one of those planets could harbor life; there have been countless waves of intelligence vibrating throughout the galaxies for more years than I can imagine… I could feel every single one of them Friday night, standing in that field. For a fading moment, I felt as if I was surrounded by people and that they were all communicating to me the idea that it’s not all random, meaninglessness in a universe with or without meaning. It was energy and it was pure and if it had been light, it would have blinded the entire town.

Saturday night I ended up at some backwoods bridge a few miles out of town with two friends that I never expected to be hanging out with together at some backwoods bridge a few miles out of town. I don’t know exactly what the significance of it is yet, but it felt like a good place to be at the time. It wasn’t the same peaceful I felt on Friday night, but peaceful all the same.

Sunday, Lazy Sunday

And today… I knew where I was going to be all day and it was not at my certain male friend’s house. I really do want to see him and hang out with him more, just as friends, no funny business (well… maybe a little funny business, but…), and I’ve told him as much, but he just can’t see passed the fact that I have all these feelings for him and I think he purposefully does and says things to push me away. I don’t know why he does it, I’m just convinced that’s what he’s doing.

He used to be such a sweetheart. When we were working together we would buy each other snacks and bottles of our favorite tea, save CDs and DVDs and video games for each other that we knew the other wanted. He said he loved me because I saved a newly traded in CKY CD, and he gave me a Ben Folds single that he bought for the store from a customer, but didn’t give it to me until my birthday. We didn’t buy these things for each other, just let the other know that they were in the store if they were wanted. People totally knew I had a thing for him and I think they all thought there was something going on between us because it was so obvious that we were flirting with each other…

Then he got fired, I quit, and we don’t see each other much, we just chat online and send emails – usually because he sends them to me first. His parents got divorced, his mom moved out, and who knows what is going on with him because he’s one of those guys who simply cannot confront what they really feel. He told me that he’s changed, that he’s an ass now, and he has, and he is, but that’s not who he really is – it’s who he wants to be. I know these wannabes when I see them. I’ve known many and see through all their BS. I may not know what it is, this BS, but I know that I’m looking through it because I can see them hiding behind it.

This is what I realized about my certain male friend today. He is hiding behind BS that he will not identify and may never confront and at least I can identify and confront my own BS in relation to him.

My Own Field of Dreams

And forgetting about this certain male friend of mine… Another confirmation was received in the field as I stood with my head in the stars and my feet on the ground. I cannot for one second doubt myself and my abilities. I’ve been struggling all day with this problem in writing my screenplay and for a second, I thought, “this is totally crazy, I need to be rational, I can’t write this movie, it’s too complicated, the audience won’t like it, it’s not going to flow well…” then I shook it away and kept on working because I know, like, totally and completely, that the kinks will work themselves out eventually.

I’ve seen it happen over and over again. I can’t lose the faith in myself that I’ve worked so hard at maintaining all these years. I can’t let slip my confidence in myself. I can’t let the visions of my future that I see fade into nothingness.

I can’t.

If I leave things alone, and just do what I do, everything clicks into place. If I had fully realized this earlier in the week who knows what would have happened today, but I guess they sort of needed to happen the way they did so that I could fully realize this.

Or maybe I’m crazy. That’s always an option.

The Plans

So, I’m supposed to have plans to hang out with a friend today. A male friend. A male friend with whom I have not resolved sexual tension, (there’s plenty between us), and he  will never just be a friend unless this tension is resolved. He’s eight years younger than me and thinks that I play “high school games” with him. I lined up a ride with a friend who was planning on going into town anyway, just needed to know what time he would be home from his motorcycle trip so I wouldn’t be a burden on my friend giving me the ride. And he just refused to give me a window. If I want to hang out with him, I have to call him on the day that we are supposed to hang out to a). confirm and remind him of our plans, and b.) to see when he’s available.

Yeah, I totally play high school games. I’m totally immature and irrational. Totally demanding and disorganized too.

So, now, I’d really just rather stay home and do something productive with my time:  work on my script… The script I want to sell so that I can start my own production company, the production company I want this certain male friend of mine to help me run since he’s about to finish business school. He knows what my plans are , but I don’t think he understands that the offer to help me run my company will be an offer he would be stupid to refuse.

This goes for anyone that I offer a job to in the future. I will always offer handsome rewards in return for hard work and dedication when I have the resources to do so. It’s a shame my male friend can’t see passed whatever feelings I have for him and just enjoy spending time with me. I’m reconsidering his position within my future company because of it.

Back to Reality (Television)

Just a quick little note before I get back to work on this little “masterpiece” of mine… For those of you watching Real Chance of Love 2… Tricia, a.k.a., P.S., used to stand next to me Mixed Chorus class in high school, which meant that she was one of the two girls that I gave neck and shoulder massages to every morning my senior year before we started rehearsing to put everyone in a very relaxed and groovy state of being. Tricia always preferred my massages too… I’m pretty sure that’s why she always sat/stood next to me in class. <insert chuckle here>

I’m not going to share a whole lot of details about going to school with her though. She was a freshman so I didn’t really know her that well, we only had the one class together, but she was always nice to me and we had mutual “non-friends”, so I have nothing against her. It would be fun to see her win the show, and from what I hear (no cable in my house, and we haven’t found time to watch the episodes online), she is following the path that many reality show contestants follow to the winner’s circle.

Reality TV is one of my guilty pleasures so… I know what I’m talking about. I watch most of the big ones, Survivor, Amazing Race, Big Brother, loved Joe Schmo 1 & 2, and I’ve seen a lot of the little ones too. The Bachelors, Joe Millionaires (my mom’s ex boss’ son helped film that one in Italy), My Big Fat Obnoxious… Fill in the blank, I’ve watched them both, both great.

And this seems like a good place to wrap things up, but speaking of Survivor… Meet the Samoa Cast and see what Jeff thinks of the Survivors we’ll get to know this fall!