As I sit here, now, in the calm solitude of my house at four in the morning, I am feeling all poetical and stuff. Strange are the feelings that surge through my body, mind and spirit all day, and until recently, it was all chaos and stress. An unexpected and sudden sensation of weightless confidence has turned everything around, and I’m not exactly quite sure where it came from, but I’m fairly certain that it was all because of my certain male friend and our complicated friendship.
Head In The Stars, feet on the ground
I knew when I met this guy that he was one of my “vibrating dot people”. That was before my concept of “vibrating dot people” could be articulated as accurately as it appears in my Open Letter To David Cross. You see, I always know who these people are, but I never know what their purpose is until I see the events unfold before me and feel things click into place. It’s always amazing when it does, it’s like a window into a darkened portion of my brain has been opened, and sunlight spills into the shady spaces, sheding light on things that I couldn’t see before. Even then, though, there is still baggage inside to sort through and unlock, and clues to keys that may not or may not exist to open those locks, and to open those locks I need to visit other spaces and open other windows to reveal other collections of baggage to be sorted, and unlocked, but I have to look for those keys too…
So many circles, so many dots, so many lines to be drawn… Figuring out life, the universe and everything reminds me of Bill and Ted figuring out how to get Eddie Van Halen to play guitar for Wyld Stallyns…
“BILL: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
TED: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
BILL: Ted, it’s pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
TED: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don’t really even know how to play?
BILL: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen!
TED: And THAT is why we need a triumphant video.”
Yeah, It’s Like That
Around and around I go… And all of the baggage that is spotlighted is my own.
A Semi-Lost Weekend
I had way too much fun in the BUFF this weekend, but even more way too much fun outside of my local bar. Small town life usually leads to feelings of madness that simply must be released over the weekend to make life during the week possible. Or maybe it’s like that everywhere… Unlike most weekends, though, I didn’t end up in any of the places I usually do around town or even just outside of town. Friday night I ended up at my younger brother’s friend’s apartment with my friend who runs the bar and my younger brother and several of his friends – all very cool people or I wouldn’t be hanging out with them.
I went outside to smoke a cigarette and enjoy the stars for a while, and to keep it away from the pregnant girl in the room (even though I apparently didn’t need to worry about that…). This apartment is next to an open field and in my drunken state I decided to walk barefoot into the ankle-high grass. My feet hit the cool dampness of the dew collected on the blades of grass and I walked a few steps away from the building and just stared up at the sky with this thought in my head:
All of those lights, while they no longer exist, did at some point in time and each one of them was a sun with planets and if even just one of those planets could harbor life; there have been countless waves of intelligence vibrating throughout the galaxies for more years than I can imagine… I could feel every single one of them Friday night, standing in that field. For a fading moment, I felt as if I was surrounded by people and that they were all communicating to me the idea that it’s not all random, meaninglessness in a universe with or without meaning. It was energy and it was pure and if it had been light, it would have blinded the entire town.
Saturday night I ended up at some backwoods bridge a few miles out of town with two friends that I never expected to be hanging out with together at some backwoods bridge a few miles out of town. I don’t know exactly what the significance of it is yet, but it felt like a good place to be at the time. It wasn’t the same peaceful I felt on Friday night, but peaceful all the same.
Sunday, Lazy Sunday
And today… I knew where I was going to be all day and it was not at my certain male friend’s house. I really do want to see him and hang out with him more, just as friends, no funny business (well… maybe a little funny business, but…), and I’ve told him as much, but he just can’t see passed the fact that I have all these feelings for him and I think he purposefully does and says things to push me away. I don’t know why he does it, I’m just convinced that’s what he’s doing.
He used to be such a sweetheart. When we were working together we would buy each other snacks and bottles of our favorite tea, save CDs and DVDs and video games for each other that we knew the other wanted. He said he loved me because I saved a newly traded in CKY CD, and he gave me a Ben Folds single that he bought for the store from a customer, but didn’t give it to me until my birthday. We didn’t buy these things for each other, just let the other know that they were in the store if they were wanted. People totally knew I had a thing for him and I think they all thought there was something going on between us because it was so obvious that we were flirting with each other…
Then he got fired, I quit, and we don’t see each other much, we just chat online and send emails – usually because he sends them to me first. His parents got divorced, his mom moved out, and who knows what is going on with him because he’s one of those guys who simply cannot confront what they really feel. He told me that he’s changed, that he’s an ass now, and he has, and he is, but that’s not who he really is – it’s who he wants to be. I know these wannabes when I see them. I’ve known many and see through all their BS. I may not know what it is, this BS, but I know that I’m looking through it because I can see them hiding behind it.
This is what I realized about my certain male friend today. He is hiding behind BS that he will not identify and may never confront and at least I can identify and confront my own BS in relation to him.
My Own Field of Dreams
And forgetting about this certain male friend of mine… Another confirmation was received in the field as I stood with my head in the stars and my feet on the ground. I cannot for one second doubt myself and my abilities. I’ve been struggling all day with this problem in writing my screenplay and for a second, I thought, “this is totally crazy, I need to be rational, I can’t write this movie, it’s too complicated, the audience won’t like it, it’s not going to flow well…” then I shook it away and kept on working because I know, like, totally and completely, that the kinks will work themselves out eventually.
I’ve seen it happen over and over again. I can’t lose the faith in myself that I’ve worked so hard at maintaining all these years. I can’t let slip my confidence in myself. I can’t let the visions of my future that I see fade into nothingness.
I can’t.
If I leave things alone, and just do what I do, everything clicks into place. If I had fully realized this earlier in the week who knows what would have happened today, but I guess they sort of needed to happen the way they did so that I could fully realize this.
Or maybe I’m crazy. That’s always an option.
FreeStateRevival
